A Christmas Story

Every year during the Christmas season, we pack up the monkeys and head to the city for the day. Normally we see a Christmas play. We have seen "The Nutcracker" twice, "A Christmas Carol" twice, and numerous one hit Christmas plays. This year we are going to see "A Christmas Story". The infamous "You'll shoot your eye out" show that airs 4,934 times every holiday season. I'm sure that Ryan, Rick and Ian could BE in the play without rehearsing. Only because they can recite every line front and backwards. Ryan's favorite is the"Daddy's going to kill Ralphie!" scene. My kids are a little like sponges. They absorb movie lines. It's always been sort-of peculiar to me. They watch it once then recite it for the next month. How is it that they can't remember me telling them to clean their rooms?

We then take them to a "fancy" restaurant. Not "fancy" according to their standards. "Fancy" according to ours. Gracie thinks that Dairy Queen is fancy. I'm talking cloth napkins and tablecloths. Ala carte menus. Dim lighting and hard-to-read menus. Dress up clothes type "fancy". Rick and I think that we need to add a little culture to their redneck world. For one night, there will be no french fries or chicken strips. No cheeseburgers!!!!

We won't put our elbows on the table. Or talk with our mouths full. We won't shout over "Garth Brooks" music. And the boys won't kick each other under the table. We are going to pretend that we don't live in a town with only Wal-mart to shop at.

I thought that you would enjoy some movie stills. I'm sure that you have ALL seen it at least 50 times, right?

Miss Shields: [reading Ralphie's theme in his fantasy, she clutches his essay to her chest] Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+!

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pringing ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.
Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

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Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

Mr. Parker: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
Mother: What is it?
Mr. Parker: It's a leg!
Mother: But what is it?
Mr. Parker: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
Mother: Statue?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, statue.
Ralphie: Yeah, statue.
Mother: Ralphie!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand...
Ralphie: YECCHH!

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Mother: Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?
Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
Mother: No he's not...
Randy: Yes he is!
Mother: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!